Horace and Mt. Rainer

So, Sumbuddy asked me about this story that I swear by, so here is what they wrote. Hope you like it. It has some of my edits in it too...

I don't know if you have ever heard of a fella named Horace Culmer. Have you? He is actually still alive and kicking it at an age he claims to be 126 years of age, which would make him, if he proved it, the oldest man ever! Anyway, ever since he was a boy, he wanted to make a name for himself. He tried to become a cow wrangler, but he couldn't stand the smell. He tried to be a gun slinger, but he was afraid of guns! He even tried being a dentist, but the smell got to him as well. So Horace did the only thing he really knew how to do, Look for something to do. So, he climbed on his horse and rode to the nearest big town, which happened to be Seattle, Washington and looked for something to do.

Now, in those days, Seattle didn't have a space needle, or the big ol' domes, or lots of people for that matter, but it did have a big mountain called Mt. Rainer and no one had been able to climb to the top yet.

So when Horace got into town and found out there would be a reward for the first person to get to the top and put a flag up. He has smitten at the idea and started to figure out how he was going to do it. He talked to people who had attempted the journey but didn't make it up. They told him "It can't be done, you ain't got the skill and your beard will get in the way!"

Oh I forgot to mention that Horace had a massive beard, and has never shaved it (Until last month, actually when his live in girlfriend found a cat living in it!).

He was proud of his beard too. At this time, it was about 4 feet long and he was only about 5 foot, so it was very close to the ground. He would throw it over his shoulder when he went anywhere just so it wouldn't slow him down.

Anyway, back to the mountain.

So Horace thought that, through all his research and talkins’ that he would attempt the mountain from the north face at 2 in the morning from a base camp about 8 thousand feet from the top.
So, he knew that there was a bunch of snow, so he took two bear traps and flipped them upside down and strapped his leather shoes to them.

People asked him how he did it, and he just said "I just grabbed dem der boots and traps and cramped dem on!" Thus coining the name crampons.

He took a bunch of food, a knife, his dog Boris, and a pair of goggles that he constructed out of oak, which he called his "Oakeys" thus creating the brand "Oakleys" and headed up the mountain.

He was surprised at how easy it was for the first 3000 feet. Nothing really got in his way! He was just cruising along, singing songs about brakemen, and throwing a bone for Boris. He thought this was going to be a walk in the park.

His path lead him up a large ice sheet that was probably a hundred acres or so, so he decided to put on his crampons. The weather thus far had been lovely, but he noticed something in the distance that resembled a thunder cloud, but he couldn't tell because it was still early in the morning.

He got his crampons on and scurried up the ice sheet to the top edge where he started to hit some harder terrain. Boris, a Komondor breed which had long hair like Horace, easily hopped over a crevasse and up to the next peak. Horace on the other hand found this much more difficult and took his time getting up.

After what seemed like an hour of struggling and skedaddlin', Horace made it to the next pinnacle where he could see the summit. He was elated and decided to take a break and eat some food.
After a nice break and some good ol' fashion grits he packed, he head back up the mountain. At about a thousand feet from the top, something happened that would change his life forever. He died. Just kiddin'! No, out if the corner of his eye something moved. A big white thing. He stopped in his tracks and turned very slowly...

It was Boris, That silly dog! But Boris looked kinda big! And was on his uprights. "Boris, you dirty dog, what in the sam pickin's are you doin'?

Then from behind him he heard Boris Bark. "Wait a split second here, if Boris is behind me, what is this big ol' white furry thing on two legs in front of me?" Horace thought for a minute or two and then realized it was his competition! Yeah, someone was trying to get to the top before him! "You puke! I'm going to get the reward not you, you slimy two bit fur thing!" So Horace, not thinking very much but rather going on instinct, and maybe a poor one, started to climb up the mountain.

The weather had just turned downright nasty but that reward was in site and Horace didn't want no fur thing getting there before him. He jumped over crevasses, leaped up big rocks, climbed over huge ice cliffs and was about 200 feet from the top when the snow started and whipped him around like a spun upside-down turtle.

Horace hunkered down behind a chunk of ice. One thing that Horace never lacked was determination, so he plowed through the snow and made his way up to the top. No weather was going to stop him, but maybe an earthquake! At this point, everything shook violently because, as we all know, Mt. Rainer is an active volcano! Horace was tossed two and fro and suddenly lost his footing and slid 100 feet and down a crevasse.

He thought it was the end and started to fall but suddenly he stopped and felt a bit of pain. He looked up and there, holding Horace’s beard in one hand and Boris in the other was a giant white furry mop thing that looked a lot like Boris but just bigger and on his upright. He had caught Horace be the tip of the beard (Not pleasant, but it saved him) and pulled him up out of the crevasse.

OOOOOOOK, said the big hairy furry upright dog thing. Horace, who surprisingly remained calm, said "Let go of dat beard der and let me get a good look at you! Well I'll be a savage painter; you’re a big oversized Boris looking thing on two legs. And you be holdin' my dog! You must be friends! Well Hot pots, you wanna go to the top with me?"

The big dog looking Upright character said, "OURURKKNMGNGGNG" which Horace took as a yes and they three headed up to the top of the mountain. They got there and it was really bad weather still so the view wasn't that great. Then with satisfaction, Horace dug in his bag and pulled out the.... the... "Oh fiddle sticks in stir-fry, I forgot the flag." He looked at the furry upright dog thing holding Boris, and rolled on the floor laughing, which the furry thingy-ma-bob said "ROFL" Coining the term ROFL.

So that is how John Muir, Climbing it the next day, became the first verified person to peak Mt. Rainer, Not Horace Culmer.

Welp it’s a bummer, but that’s the way the Coffee Boils.